i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
