Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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