i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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