those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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