The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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