the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
