I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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