What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
