home. puking in laundry basket.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
