Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
