he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I will pee on everything he values.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
