My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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