I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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