i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
