Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
