Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
