the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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