theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
