Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Are we still banned from the library?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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