I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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