I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
