I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
