Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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