her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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