I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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