If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
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