porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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