Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Randomize
