morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
