i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
