I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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