i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
