I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Randomize
