it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
