There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
