If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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