good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
