I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
