smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
