He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
