if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I've blown a few things in my day
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Randomize
