My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
