Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
