just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
