bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
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