just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
