I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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