Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
