so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
