i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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